Running out of time has been one of the most daunting and unparalleled fears in all of my existence. No other fear in my life has matched it.

Time Lingers

I have been obsessive over my responsibilities and objectives since I can remember. Whether it was fully completing a video game or doing next week’s homework, my drive will not let me rest until the job is done. In school, that drive made it easy for me to get a near-perfect grade point average. It was what my brain gravitated towards.

With that being said, following my dreams has topped my to-do list for many years. I dedicate most of my free time to progressing toward becoming a well-known filmmaker, but time always lingers in the back of my mind. Something about the lack of control with time drives me to make the most out of it, but also creates pressure through fear.

Avoiding Wasted Time

The way I’ve managed my social relationships perfectly exemplifies how my time-associated fears impact my life. I have unfortunately been absent from the lives of my family and friends over the past few years because of my dedication to my dreams. I wanted to reach success sooner and be able to support my family financially. Unfortunately, the time and energy I’ve spent on that pursuit have caused unspoken distance to grow between me and my loved ones.

As we’ve grown further apart, I’ve told myself that it would all be worth it in the end. My biggest fear, however, is that I will find success too late. Maybe someone will pass away, or our relationship will never be the same. Regardless, I have a race against time.

SMA Increases Pressure

My fear related to time extends to spinal muscular atrophy (SMA) as well. Dealing with a progressive neuromuscular condition means that my symptoms could worsen and I could lose strength over time. The stakes for success are always high, but it all depends on how I choose to spend my time. I have a consistent fear that I may lose an important function before completing my ambitions, which means that I would have done everything for nothing. A complete waste of years of time. That thought would send anyone into an abyss of depression, but the irreversible nature of time is anxiety-inducing.

Adapting and Making My Own Way

Making my own decisions is best for me because I am using my time according to my own priorities. It’s basic human psychology to feel less fear where you have more control. Unfortunately, all of my fears pile up in my mind, since the idea of time is such a broad yet abstract concept. When it comes time to make decisions, regardless of the scale of the choice, overthinking always becomes a crisis for me: Is this choice the best possible use of my time? I can often balance my fears by simply reminding myself that I cannot change the past, and I must acknowledge that life is all about adapting.

I carry my fears with full acknowledgement that life is full of uncontrollable variables. I have learned to be proud of my own decisions, and I can only look ahead while carrying the thought of time on my back. The feeling always lingers, but I have learned to keep moving throughout life without being held up too much by my fears.

Columnists on mySMAteam discuss SMA from a specific point of view. Columnists’ articles don’t reflect the opinions of mySMAteam staff, medical experts, partners, advertisers, or sponsors. Content on mySMAteam isn’t intended as a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment.